|
|
|
God
sneezes
Exodus 15:8 |
|
God's
name is Jealous
Exodus 34:14 |
|
A donkey
speaks
Numbers 22:28 |
|
Clapping
in anger
Numbers
24:10 |
|
Those
crucified are accursed of God
Deuteronomy
21:22-23 |
|
No cross-dressing (but men wore clothes that looked like dresses)
Deuteronomy 22:5
|
|
Wearing
polyester/cotton blend fabric is against Jewish law
Deuteronomy
22:11 |
| |
|
God
drinks wine
Judges 9:13
|
|
Beer in
Bible
Judges 9:21
|
|
A man
named Dodo
Judges 10:1
|
|
God
uses a man who was the son of an entire town of men
Judges 11:1
|
|
People
speak with noticeable accents (Y'all don't say!)
Judges 12:6
|
|
God
catches words
1Samuel 3:19
|
|
Golden
hemorrhoids are given as an offering (No thanks, I'll pass)
1Samuel 6:4
|
|
God
holds rehearsals
1Samuel 8:21
|
|
God
refers to things as stuff
1Samuel 10:22
|
|
King
Saul is a giant
1Samuel 10:23
|
|
Men pee
on walls
1Samuel 25:34 |
| |
|
A man cuts around five pounds (200 shekels) of hair off his head every
year
2Samuel
14:27
|
|
The same hairy guy gets his hair caught in a tree and gets pulled off his
mule
2Samuel
18:9
|
|
A queen
commits forgery
1Kings
21:8
|
|
Don't make God mad! Smoke might come out of His nose and fire out
of His mouth!
2Samuel
22:9
|
|
A man is named Dodo
2Samuel
23:9
|
|
A town
is called Dan Jaan (pronounced Don Juan)
2Samuel
24:6 |
|
Ever
hear the saying that somebody is talking about you if your "ears
tingle"?
2Kings 21:12 |
Men wash
dishes (I'd like to see that!)
2Kings 21:13
|
|
God's
eyes have legs
2Chronicles 16:9
|
|
Levites
play cards
2Chronicles
19:11 |
|
Praise
kills
2Chronicles 20:21-24 |
|
Blushing
in front of God
Ezra 9:6 |
|
Ever ask
yourself for advice?
Nehemiah 5:7
|
| |
|
Nehemiah
dances the Twist (was Chubby Checker there?)
Nehemiah 5:13
|
|
People
are plucked bald
Nehemiah 13:25
|
|
Wicked
men get fat and get cellulite
Job 15:27
|
|
God eats
people with his nose
Job 4:9
|
|
Job
wants to know who will give him a "high five"
Job 17:3
|
|
Burglars
(Quick! Dial 911!)
Job 24:16
|
|
Job's
brothers are dragons
Job 30:29
|
|
God
says, "Ha Ha"
Job 39:25
|
|
God has
wings
Psalm 17:8 |
|
|
|
God
smokes
Psalm 18:8 |
|
Gates
and doors have heads
Psalm 24:9
|
|
King
David is a horse
Psalm 39:1 |
|
God
collects tears in bottles (And over here is my tear collection....) Psalm 56:8 |
|
Call the
dog pound! My enemies are barking!
Psalm 59:6 |
|
Do they
excuse themselves when they burp?
Psalm
59:7 |
|
God
laughs
Psalm 59:8 |
|
|
|
Help!
I'm trapped under my own tongue!
Psalm 64:8 |
|
Did he
use Minoxidil to grow more hair?
Psalm 68:21 |
|
Stay in
your house! There are tongues walking around outside!
Psalm 73:9 |
|
God's
temples are friendly
Psalm 84:1
|
|
Ears are
planted on the head (do they start from seeds?)
Psalm 92:9
|
|
Unicorns
do exist
Psalm
92:10 |
|
Better
call the fire department!
Psalm 104:32 |
|
I'll be
back. I'm going down to the garden of nuts to see the fruits of the valley...
Song of Solomon
6:11
|
Before I go out to dinner I need to go get my wimples and my crisping
pins
Isaiah 3:22
and my nose
jewels
Isaiah 3:21
(Nose jewels... those
aren't boogers I hope)
|
|
Gates have feelings, too
Isaiah 3:26
|
|
God
hires a barber and shaves hairy feet
Isaiah 7:20
|
| |
|
"Y'all
come down and see me, yuh hear?" Speaking
in southern drawl
Isaiah 14:8
|
|
How
embarrassing! Passing
gas
Isaiah 26:18 |
|
I guess
they didn't have king-sized beds in those days
Isaiah 28:20
|
|
God does
strange work
Isaiah 28:21 |
|
Garden
of cucumbers (What? No tomatoes?)
Isaiah 1:8
|
|
Hide!
It's a flying,
fire-breathing snake!
Isaiah 30:6
|
|
God has
a stove
Isaiah 31:9 |
|
Stuttering
Isaiah 32:4
|
|
Eating &
drinking really gross stuff
Isaiah 36:12 |
|
God
creates evil
Isaiah 45:7
|
|
|
|
Don't
look! God's
arm is naked
Isaiah 52:10
|
|
How rude
to stick
out your tongue and make a face!
Isaiah 57:4
|
|
Shame
shame! Giving
the finger (the bird)
Isaiah 58:9
|
|
God
passes gas
Isaiah 63:15
|
|
Yummy, a soup
made with abominable things
Isaiah 65:4 |
|
Gad-about
Jeremiah 2:36
|
|
Hands on
head (someone under arrest?)
Jeremiah 2:37
|
|
Face
painting
Jeremiah 4:30 |
|
|
|
Men are
lustful horses
Jeremiah 5:8
|
|
God is
black
Jeremiah 8:21 |
|
Dragons
do exist
Psalm
148:7; Jeremiah 9:11 |
|
Eyelids
gush with waters (need a box of tissues?)
Jeremiah 9:18
|
|
Close
your eyes, there are people
with skirts over their heads
Jeremiah 13:26
|
|
Tongue
lashing
Jeremiah 18:18 |
|
Ears
shall tingle
Jeremiah 19:3
|
|
Don't
take advantage of your neighbor
Jeremiah 22:13
|
|
Man
buried with an ass's funeral (Do donkeys go to heaven?)
Jeremiah 22:19
|
| |
|
Figs are
naughty
Jeremiah 24:2 |
|
God
tells people to get drunk, throw up, and fall down
Jeremiah 25:27
|
|
Eat a
sour grape
Jeremiah 31:29
|
|
God gets
up early
Jeremiah 32:33 |
|
Walk in
vomit (take your shoes off before you come in my house!)
Jeremiah 48:26 |
|
Where
do dragons live?
Jeremiah 49:33;
51:37 |
|
Horses
are like rough caterpillars
Jeremiah 51:27
|
|
|
|
Posts
run to meet each other
Jeremiah 51:31
|
|
Someone's liver falls out (Is there a doctor in the house?)
Lamentations
2:11 |
|
People
have their hearts in their hands
Lamentations
3:41 |
|
Let's
play musical
chairs
Lamentations 3:63 |
|
Everybody out of the water! Sea
monsters!
Lamentations 4:3 |
|
Smelling
armpits (were they checking their deoderant?)
Lamentations 4:20 |
|
Aliens
are in the houses
Lamentations 5:2 |
|
|
|
Necks
are persecuted (What did they do?)
Lamentations 5:5
|
|
Dung
bread (Oh, yummy)
Ezekiel 4:12,15 |
|
Call the
doctor, someone
has branch on their nose!
Ezekiel 8:17
|
|
God
wears a skirt
Ezekiel 16:8
|
|
God's
temple has a profane place
Ezekiel 42:20
|
|
Priests
cannot dress too warmly (I don't know... summer in the desert is pretty
warm!)
Ezekiel 44:18
|
|
Want to
move to the suburbs?
Ezekiel 45:2 |
|
|
|
I'm in
the band and I play the "sackbut"
Daniel 3:10
|
|
Do I
hear someone's knees knocking?
Daniel 5:6 |
|
Men kiss
calves (Darling, you have such a lovely, wet nose)
Hosea 13:2; 14:2 |
|
No
dentists needed here
Amos 4:6
|
|
Bald eagle mentioned
Micah 1:16
|
|
What do emptiers empty?
Nahum 2:2
|
|
A skirt
over someone's face
Nahum 3:5
|
|
How
would you like to live in a town named "No"?
Nahum 3:8
|
|
A new
creation theory: Reverse
evolution
Habakkuk 1:14
|
|
If
someone bites you do you turn into their booties?
Habakkuk 2:7
|
|
God
blows a trumpet
Zechariah 9:11
|
|
|
|
Corn
makes men cheerful
Zechariah 9:17
|
|
God
punishes goats
Zech 10:3 |
|
God
turns goats into horses (Well, they were bad goats!)
Zechariah 10:3
|
|
Jesus
was saluted (At ease, soldier!)
Mark 9:15
|
|
Paparazzi (That's right! Photographers!)
Luke 8:19
|
|
Oh no!
A book
burning!
Acts 19:19 |
|
Call the
National Guard, it's a riot!
Acts
19:29-34 |
|
Hoping
to get bribed
Acts
24:26 |
|
Paul
must be from the southern part of the United States. He says, "I
reckon...."
Romans 8:18
|
|
Aliens
(from Mars?)
Hebrews
11:34
|
|
I'm
peculiar and I don't care who knows it! 2
Peter 2:9; Titus 2:14
|
| |
CAR PARTS
That's
right! I said car (automobile) parts
|
Hood
Is 3:23
Bonnet
(the hood in England)
Is 3:23
Not good enough?
How about:
Tires
Is 3:18; Eze
24:23
(Those tires in Isaiah must be a sight! Round like the moon!)
Mufflers
Is 3:19 |
