GOD IS LIKE A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results: GOD IS LIKE: BAYER ASPIRIN He works miracles. GOD IS LIKE: a FORD He's got a better idea. GOD IS LIKE: COKE He's the real thing. GOD IS LIKE: HALLMARK CARDS He cares enough to send His very best. GOD IS LIKE: TIDE He gets the stains out that others leave behind. GOD IS LIKE: GENERAL ELECTRIC He brings good things to life.   GOD IS LIKE: SEARS He has everything. GOD IS LIKE: ALKA-SELTZER Try him, you'll like Him. GOD IS LIKE: SCOTCH TAPE You can't see him, but you know He's there.   GOD IS LIKE: DELTA He's ready when you are. GOD IS LIKE: ALLSTATE You're in good hands with Him. GOD IS LIKE: VO-5 Hair Spray He holds through all kinds of weather.   GOD IS LIKE: DIAL SOAP Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did? GOD IS LIKE: The U.S. POST OFFICE Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.   Contributed by Wayne Cochrun

Which Service? One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him.  Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor," replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" Contributed by Pat Chappel

 

Baptist Dog A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist. They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw. The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog. That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven’t tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog stood on its hind legs, placed its paws on the pastor's forehead, and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, “We've bought a Pentecostal dog!"     Contributed by Yvette Kruse

 

What Prints in the Sand? One night I had a wondrous dream, One set of footprints there was seen, The footprints of my precious Lord, But mine were not along the shore. But then some stranger prints appeared... And I asked the Lord, "What have we here? Those prints are large and round and neat, But Lord, they are too big for feet." "My child," He said in somber tones, "For miles I carried you alone. I challenged you to walk in faith, But you refused and made me wait." "You disobeyed, you would not grow, The walk of faith you would not know... So I got tired, I got fed up, And there I dropped you on your butt." "Because in life there comes a time When one must fight, and one must climb, When one must rise and take a stand, Or leave their butt prints in the sand." Contributed by Gloria Welch

 

The Bible in 50 Words God made Adam bit Noah arked Abraham split Joseph ruled Jacob fooled Bush talked Moses balked Pharaoh plagued People walked Sea divided Tablets guided Promise landed Saul freaked David peeked Prophets warned Jesus born God walked Love talked Anger crucified Hope died Love rose Spirit flamed Word spread God remained   Contributed by Ross Lybarger

 

Jesus Sees You   A burglar had been watching a house in Indiana for a few days and was sure that the people were away, so one night he went up to the door, rang the doorbell, and upon getting no response, he picked the lock and let himself in.  Once inside, he turned on his flashlight and to his surprise he heard a voice say, "I see you and Jesus sees you!" He turned instantly toward the voice and then he laughed because his flashlight revealed a parrot in a cage who once again said, "I see you and Jesus sees you!"  Now relieved, he turned on the light in the room and looking back at the bird, he again became alarmed. Below the cage was a Doberman pincher. And then, the parrot said, "Sic ‘em, Jesus!"   Contributed by Billye Jeane

 

Money   One day, a one dollar bill and a hundred dollar bill got folded together and began talking about their life experiences.   The hundred dollar bill began to brag: "I've had a great life," he said. "I've been to all the big hotels, Donald Trump himself used me at his casino, I've been in the wallets of Fortune 500 board members, I've flown from one end of the country to the other! I've even been in the wallet of two Presidents of the United States, and once when Princess Diana visited the US, she used me to buy a packet of gum."   In awe, the dollar humbly responded, "Gee, nothing like that has ever happened to me, ...but I have been to church a lot!"   Contributed by Gloria Welch

 

Noah's Ark The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark." Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall. Noah sat in his front yard, weeping. "Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord. "Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened. "The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance.. "The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals. "The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain. "The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians. "I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years." Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?" "Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."     More about the ark: Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark... 1.  Don't miss the boat. 2.  Remember that we are all in the same boat. 3.  Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark 4.  Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big. 5.  Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done. 6.  Build your future on high ground. 7.  For safety sake, travel in pairs. 8.  Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs. 9.  When you're stressed, float a while. 10.  Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals. 11.  No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting. Submitted by Kelley Cochrun More about the ark

 

The Cajun Ten Commandments   God is number one... and das' All.      Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.   Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.   When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.   Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem. 6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No!  7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her.                  8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.  9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.   10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf! Contributed by Al Cunningham Clip Art: http://www.zooish.com/

 

Three Ministers   Three ministers waited at the Pearly Gates. The first in line was the Presbyterian and his wife.  St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much.  You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."  St. Peter waved sadly, and POOF Down the chute to the "Other Place" they went. Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and WHANG down the chute went the Methodists. The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't lookin' good, Fanny." Contributed by Yvette Kruse

 

Which Nuts?   On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the cemetery fence. One day two boys  sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me said one boy. As they counted, several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's Satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery!! He jumped back on his bike and rode off! Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. The boy said "Come here quick!! You won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls." The man said, "Beat it kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" The boy frantically insisted and the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered "Boy, you're right!  Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me and last one is for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done. They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy! Contributed by Pat Chappel

Kids To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle: Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.  After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was "DON'T!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have Forbidden fruit!!!!!" "No Way!" "Yes way!" "Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God. "Why?" "Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked. "Uh huh," Adam replied. "Then why did you?" asked the Father. "I don't know," said Eve. "She started it!" Adam said. "Did not!" "Did too!" "DID NOT!" Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.  If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you? THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: 1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk and then spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and be quiet. 2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children. 3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young. 4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own. 6. We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in. ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.   Finally, if you have a lot of tension and have a headache do what it says on the aspirin bottle:  "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" and "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"! Contributed by Al Cunningham

Atheist's Holiday An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate. The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case. The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said: "Case dismissed!" The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said: "Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews -- why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ... and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!" The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said: "Obviously your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!" The ACLU lawyer pompously said: "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists -- just when might that be?" The judge said: "Well it comes every year at the same time -- April 1st." "The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God." - Psalm 53:1

Driving Dad's Car A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father, an evangelist, if he could use his father's car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car." After about six weeks, the son approached his father and pointed out that he had brought his grades up, been studying his Bible, and had even participated more in Bible study.  His father told him, "You've done a great job and I'm very proud of you.  However, you still haven't gotten your hair cut." Without hesitation, the young man said, "I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair." His father nodded in agreement and said, "Yes, this is true.  However, in your studies, did you also notice that they walked everywhere they went?" Contributed by Wayne Cochrun from Riverside, California