Funny face
Updated 3/18/11



The River

The River

Playing Church

Playing Church

Rehabilitating Parrots

Rehabilitating Parrots

Help for our senior citizens

Help for Our Senior Citizens

A Child Describes God

A Child Describes God

Bible Stories, as Interpreted by Children

Bible Stories, as Interpreted by Children

God vs. Satan

God vs. Satan

God is like....

God is Like...

Bible Quiz

Bible Quiz

Which Service?

Which Service?

Baptist Dog

Baptist Dog

What Prints in the Sand?

What Prints in the Sand?

The Bible in Fifty Words

The Bible in 50 Words

Jesus Sees You

Jesus Sees You



Noah's Arkl

Noah's Ark

The Cajun Ten Commandments

The Cajun Ten Commandments

Three Ministers

Three Ministers

Science vs. God

Science vs. God

Evolution Explained

Evolution Explained

Which Nuts?

Which Nuts?

Kids' Views of Spiritual Things

Kids' Views of Spiritual Things

A Man and a Cliff

A Man and a Cliff



The Limo Driver

The Limo Driver

The Painter

The Painter

Computer Test

Computer Test

Atheist's Holiday

Atheist's Holiday

Driving Dad's Car

Driving Dad's Car

The River

A minister was completing a temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had
All the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he
yelled, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world,
I'd take it and pour it into the river!"

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood up very slowly and nervously announced, "For our closing song,
let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

Drunk moose drinking from river

Author unknown

  Contributed by Billye Jeane



Cindy's Mother looked out the window and noticed her 'playing church' with their cat. She had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work.

A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back to the open window to see Cindy dunking the cat in the swimming pool. She called out, "Cindy! Stop that!"

Cindy looked up at her and said,"But, Mommy, I have to baptize her."

Cindy's mother responded, "Cats don't like water! Stop that!"

Cindy said, "She should have thought about that before she joined my church."

Baptized cat

Author unknown

  Contributed by Thomas Morris


A lady went to her priest one day and told him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots that only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers, do you want to have some fun?" she replied!

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. He said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house. We'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter, my male parrots. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time."

"Thank you", the woman responded and she went home to get her parrots. She took them to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. As she walked toward the cage with her two parrots, her parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

As the woman and the priest stood in shocked silence one of the male parrots looked over at the other and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank! Our prayers have been answered!"

Author unknown

  Contributed by Carol Cook



Let's put the senior citizens in jail and put the criminals in nursing homes.

The seniors would have access to showers, hobbies, and walks.  They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental care, medical treatment, wheel chairs, etc.  They'd receive money instead of paying it out.

They would have constant video monitoring so they could be helped instantly if they fell or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week.  All their clothing would be provided for free, washed, ironed, and returned to them regularly.

A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and would bring all their meals and snacks to their cells.  They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. 

They would have access to a library, weight room spiritual counseling, education, and church services.  Legal aid would be provided on request.

Their rooms would be private and secure.  They would have an outdoor exercise yard with gardens.

Each senior could have a computer or access to one, a TV, a radio, and receive telephone calls.  They would have a board of directors to hear complaints.  The guards would have a strictly adhered to code of conduct.

The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone unsupervised, get showers only once a week, have to turn their lights off at 8:00PM, pay $5,000 a month, and have no hope of ever getting out.

Author unknown

(Apologies to all the nursing homes that are not like that.)


Excerpts from a Third Grader's Homework Assignment:
One of God's main jobs is making people.  He makes them to replace the ones that die so there will be enough people to take care of things here on earth.  He doesn't make grown-ups, just babies.  I think because they are smaller and easier to make.  That way, He doesn't have to take up His valuable time teaching them to talk and walk, He canjust leave that to mothers and fathers.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your parent's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.


In the first book of the bible, Guinness, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day and a ball of fire by night.

Samson slated the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.  Afterward, Moses went on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.


And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds so man and woman would live long and healthy lives. And satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And satan said to man, "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Super size them." And man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And satan froze the yogurt and he brought forth chocolate, nuts, and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he also created sour cream dip. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And satan saw and said, "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery...And satan created HMOs.

  Contributed by Joel Meyerett


A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. Here are some of the results:

He works miracles.

Box of Bayer Aspirin

He's got a better idea.

Ford logo

He's the real thing.

Bottle of Coke

He cares enough to send His very best.

Hallmark logo

He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

Box of Tide detergent

He brings good things to life.

General Electric logo


He has everything.
Sears logo

Try him, you'll like Him.

Alka Seltzer

You can't see him, but you know He's there.

Scotch tape

He's ready when you are.

Delta airlines logo

You're in good hands with Him.

Allstate logo

VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

Can of VO5 hair spray


Aren't you glad you have Him?
Don't you wish everybody did?

Bar of Dial soap

Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice
will keep Him from His appointed destination.

Post office logo

  Contributed by Wayne Cochrun


Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

  Contributed by Steve Thom


Which Service?
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing and staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him.  Gazing up at the plaque, too, he said quietly, "Good morning son."
"Good morning pastor," replied the young man, not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.

"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor.

Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.

Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?"
Contributed by Pat Chappel

Baptist Dog
A Baptist preacher and his wife decided to get a new dog. Ever mindful of the congregation, they knew the dog must also be a Baptist.

They visited kennel after kennel and explained their needs. Finally, they found a kennel whose owner assured them he had just the dog they wanted. The owner brought the dog to meet the pastor and his wife. "Fetch the Bible," he commanded. The dog bounded to the bookshelf, scrutinized the books, located the Bible, and brought it to the owner. "Now find Psalm 23," he commanded. The dog dropped the Bible to the floor and, showing marvelous dexterity with his paws, leafed through, found the correct passage, and pointed to it with his paw.
The pastor and his wife were very impressed and purchased the dog.

That evening, a group of church members came to visit. The pastor and his wife began to show off the dog, having him locate several Bible verses. The visitors were very impressed. One man asked, "Can he do regular dog tricks, too?" "I haven't tried yet," the pastor replied. He pointed his finger at the dog. "HEEL!" the pastor commanded. The dog stood on its hind legs, placed its paws on the pastor's forehead, and began to howl. The pastor looked at his wife in shock and said, "We've bought a Pentecostal dog!"

 Dog Healing

Contributed by Yvette Kruse

What Prints in the Sand?
One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of my precious Lord,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared...
And I asked the Lord, "What have we here?
Those prints are large and round and neat,
But Lord, they are too big for feet."

"My child," He said in somber tones,
"For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait."

"You disobeyed, you would not grow,
The walk of faith you would not know...
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt."

"Because in life there comes a time
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand."

Butt print in the sand

Contributed by Gloria Welch

The Bible in 50 Words Bible

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained

  Contributed by Ross Lybarger

Jesus Sees You
 Burglar peeking in window
A burglar had been watching a house in Indiana for a few days and was sure that the people were away, so one night he went up to the door, rang the doorbell, and upon getting no response, he picked the lock and let himself in.
 Once inside, he turned on his flashlight and to his surprise he heard a voice say,
"I see you and Jesus sees you!"
He turned instantly toward the voice and then he laughed because his flashlight revealed a parrot in a cage who once again said,
"I see you and Jesus sees you!"
 Now relieved, he turned on the light in the room and looking back at the bird, he again became alarmed. Below the cage was a Doberman pincher.
And then, the parrot said,
"Sic 'em, Jesus!"
Contributed by Billye Jeane

One day, a one dollar bill and a hundred dollar bill got folded together and began talking about their life experiences.
The hundred dollar bill began to brag: "I've had a great life," he said. "I've been to all the big hotels, Donald Trump himself used me at his casino, I've been in the wallets ofOne hundred dollar bill Fortune 500 board members, I've flown from one end of the country to the other! I've even been in the wallet of two Presidents of the United States, and once when Princess Diana visited the US, she used me to buy a packet of gum."
One dollar bill
In awe, the dollar humbly responded, "Gee, nothing like that has ever happened to me, ...but I have been to church a lot!"

Contributed by Gloria Welch

Noah's Ark

The Lord said to Noah, "In six months, I'm going to make it rain until the earth is covered with water and all the evil is destroyed. I want you to build an ark and save two of each animal species. Here are the blueprints for the ark."

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud and rain began to fall.

Noah sat in his front yard, weeping.

"Why haven't you built the ark?" asked the Lord.

"Oh, forgive me," said Noah. "I did my best, but so many things happened.

"The blueprints you gave me didn't meet the city's code and I had to change them. Then the city said I was violating the zoning ordinance by building an ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance..

"The Forest Service required tree-cutting permits, and I was sued by a state animal rights group when I tried to gather up the animals.

"The EPA required an environmental impact statement concerning the flood. The Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed flood plain.

"The IRS seized all my assets, claiming I was trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and the Equal Opportunity Commission said I wasn't hiring enough Croatians.

"I'm sorry, Lord, but I can't finish the ark for at least five years."

Suddenly the rain stopped, the skies cleared and the sun began to shine.

Noah looked up and said, "Lord, does this mean you're not going to devastate the earth?"

"Right," said the Lord. "The government already has."

More about the ark:
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah's Ark...
1.  Don't miss the boat.
2.  Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3.  Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark
4.  Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
5.  Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
6.  Build your future on high ground.
7.  For safety sake, travel in pairs.
8.  Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
9.  When you're stressed, float a while.
10.  Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
11.  No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

Submitted by Kelley Cochrun More about the ark

The Cajun Ten Commandments
Hillbilly standing by his rattletrap car
  1. God is number one... and das' All.
     Hillbilly playing banjo  Hillbilly playing backwoods instruments Hillbilly playing fiddle  Hillbillies playing instruments Hillbilly playing fiddle
  2. Don't pray to nuttin' or nobody... jus' God.
  3. Don't cuss nobody... 'specially da Good Lord.
  4. When it be Sunday... pass yo'self by God's House.
  5. Yo mama an' yo daddy dun did it all... lissen to dem.
Hillbilly's goat

6. Killin' duck an' fish, das' OK... people - No! 
7. God done give you a wife... sleep wit' jus' her. Hillbilly blowing on a jug Hillbilly woman with shotgun

8. Don't take nobody's boat... or nuttin' else.
9. Don't go wantin' somebody's stuff.Hillbilly playing backwoods instrument
10. Stop lyin'... yo tongue gonna fall out yo mouf! Hillbilly man talking

Contributed by Al Cunningham

Three Ministers
Three ministers waited at the Pearly Gates. The first in line was the Presbyterian andPenny his wife.  St. Peter shook his head sadly and said, "I can't let you in. You were moral and upright, but you loved money too much.  You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."  St. Peter waved sadly, and POOF Down the chute to the "Other Place" they went.

Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't let you in either," said Saint Peter. "You Candy abstained from liquor and dancing and cards, but you loved food too much. You loved food so much, you even married a woman named Candy!" Sadly, St. Peter waved again, and WHANG down the chute went the Methodists.

The Southern Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It ain't lookin' good,

Contributed by Yvette Kruse


Science vs. God
God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore.  Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

 "Oh, is that so?  Tell Me..." replies God.

 "Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

 "Well, that's very Me." So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

 "No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."

Contributed by Pat Chappel


Evolution Explained
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children.  The teacher chose a little boy.

TEACHER: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the
TEACHER: Did you see God?
TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see God because he isn't there.  He doesn't exist.

A little 6 year old girl spoke up and inquired if she could also ask the boy some questions. The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy:

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss (getting tired of the questions by this time)
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?

Head with no brain

Contributed by Gloria Welch


Which Nuts?
On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the Cemetarycemetery fence. One day two boys  sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me said one boy. As they counted, several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought heBoy on bike heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was. "Oh my," he shuddered, "it's satan and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery!!

He jumped back on his bike and rode off! Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. The boy saidMan shaking cane "Come here quick!! You won't believe what I heard. satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid. Can't you see it's hard for me to walk?" The boy frantically insisted and the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." The old man whispered "Boy, you're right!  Let's see if we can see the devil himself." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were unable to see anything.

The old manMan hobbling on cane and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of satan. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me and last one is for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done. They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy!

Contributed by Pat Chappel


Kids' Views of Spiritual Things

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Jonah in the whale
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically  impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah". The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
Girl drawing picture
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."  Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Ten commandments
 Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"   Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Woman with gray hair

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.  "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say,
'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
Class picture
 A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead."

A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."
Person standing on their head
 "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
Pile of apples
 The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

Contributed by Kelley Cochrun



To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or is something to make you chuckle:
Adam and Eve
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.  After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have Forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.


"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" asked the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.  If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk and then spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and be quiet.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.
Aspirin bottle
Finally, if you have a lot of tension and have a headache do what it says on the aspirin bottle:  "TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" and "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!

Contributed by Al Cunningham


The Limo Driver

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo  (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Eminence," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, my God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five. "So bust him," said the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop. Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" "No, I mean REALLY important," said the cop. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

Chief: "Governor?"

Cop: "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

Cop: "I think it's God!"

Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop: "He's got the Pope for a limo driver!"

Pope driving limo

Submitted by Kelley Cochrun

The Painter
There was a tradesman, a painter called Wayne, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Baptist Church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Wayne put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Wayne was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down,

Thunder clouds
 washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Wayne clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Wayne was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

(you're going to love this)

Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!"

Contributed by Joel Meyerett


Jesus and satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.  They had been going at it for days and, frankly, God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to
set up a test that will run for two hours and, from those results, I will judge who does the better job."

So satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did genealogy reports.

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and satan was faster than hell.

Ten minutes before their time was up lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.  Finally the electricity came back on and each of them restarted their computers. satan started searching frantically, screaming, "It's gone! It's all GONE! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair!  He cheated!  How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"

God just shrugged and said, "JESUS SAVES."


Contributed by Joel Meyerett

Atheist's Holiday

An atheist was quite incensed over the preparation for Easter and Passover holidays and decided to contact the local ACLU about the discrimination inflicted on atheists by the constant celebrations afforded to Christians and Jews with all their holidays while the atheists had no holidays for them to celebrate.

The ACLU jumped on the opportunity to once again pick up the cause of the downtrodden and assigned their sharpest attorney to the case. The case was brought up before a learned judge who after listening to the passionate presentation by the ACLU representative, promptly banged his gavel and said: "Case dismissed!"

The ACLU lawyer stood up and objected to the ruling and said: "Your honor, how can you dismiss this case? Surely the Christians have Christmas, Easter and many other observances. And the Jews -- why in addition to Passover they have Yom Kippur and Hanukkah ... and yet my client and all other atheists have no such holiday!"

The judge leaned back in his chair and simply said: "Obviously your client is too confused to know about, or for that matter even celebrate the atheists holiday!"

The ACLU lawyer pompously said: "We are aware of no such holiday for atheists -- just when might that be?"

The judge said: "Well it comes every year at the same time -- April 1st."
April calendar
"The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God." - Psalm 53:1

Driving Dad's Car

A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and asked his father, an evangelist, if he could use his father's car.

His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and we'll talk about the car."

After about six weeks, the son approached his father and pointed out that he had brought his grades up, been studying his Bible, and had even participated more in Bible study.  His father told him, "You've done a great job and I'm very proud of you.  However, you still haven't gotten your hair cut."

Without hesitation, the young man said, "I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."
Jesus with long hair
His father nodded in agreement and said, "Yes, this is true.  However, in your studies, did you also notice that they walked everywhere they went?"

Contributed by Wayne Cochrun



The Smart Dog

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

German ShepherdMeanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Contributed by Sandy Stenman

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Contributed by Charlie Meyerett


Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will!"

Contributed by Charlie Meyerett


Math in the Church

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and
enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day,
little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He
didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to
his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little
Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him
down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room
without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as
hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried
to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly
laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With
great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
Little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her
curiosity.. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was
it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no..
"Well, then," she replied, "Was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of
school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they
weren't fooling around."

Contributed by Sandy Stenman

 To humor index


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